This morning I wake up with a bitter taste in my mouth, something that made me thinking about my life as it has never happened in the past few months.
I began reliving it and thinking about my choices and my current situation, trying to sort out its pieces to understand the people around me. Yeah, because eventually what it really matters is the way I compare to my friends for me and I write these words with a heavy heart. Sometimes I feel like I have been left behind by everybody, like if I’m just the one guy who is of value only when needed. Well, this sort of feelings I know to be wrong, my friends like me, of course, and they consider me not only when convenient, regardless I can’t ignore my thoughts, I think it wouldn’t be right.
So I start imagining things, using Google Maps, thinking of me living somewhere else, living a different life. I realize it’s not feasible, at least right now, and I also believe that in doing so I’m not following the right path. That is because I should not (I do not have to) make comparisons, I should not feel like I have not achieved anything in my life. It looks like everyone around me has reached a goal in his or her life that I have not, and at the age of 39 it’s like having missed a very important train that’s never gonna come back.
Then I think harder and maybe the issue is not about having achieved something, it’s about the perception of not being up to the task, feeling less important than what I really am. Maybe the key in getting out of this feeling is simply accepting that I am made my own way, which is different from the others, and that I should not compare myself to them. Then maybe I will find the peace I’m looking for.
I don’t know, really. It’s difficult to figure out a place in this life that best suits me, but I’ll keep looking and, maybe, one day I will find it, somehow, somewhere.